


All I Did Was Everything (Everything's Just Not Enough)

by sadspencer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, can you tell i was sad when i wrote this, if the team won't acknowledge it then i will, yes im writing more about spencer's addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29844057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspencer/pseuds/sadspencer
Summary: "elle, he's dead. you're- you're right here. you won.""then here's to winning."••or the one in which spencer finally understands
Comments: 19
Kudos: 37





	All I Did Was Everything (Everything's Just Not Enough)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "not enough" by josh a, iamjakehill, darko
> 
> it's been so long since i've posted, my bad lmao. not entirely sure where this came from but here you go

he's familiar with the taste of misery. the bitter, overwhelming feel of sadness that sits low in his stomach and high in his throat and chokes him and weighs him down and surrounds him. the way it covers his body in a hug that lacks affection and forces his grip to tighten on his deadly vices until he knows there's no way he'll be able to let them go. the way it replaces the air in his lungs and the blood in his veins and the tears in his eyes and the warmth in his touch.

the way the only thing that dulls it is contained in the small vial sat in his hand.

at one point, it had been years since he'd used. he'd been sober, but he hadn't been clean. how can he ever be clean with such a permanent stain on his soul? no amount of years on his coin can change the fact that he's yet to escape the everlasting grasp the substance has on his mind. the cravings eventually went away for a while, only resurfacing in his bad moments. he could handle that. he could handle it right up until a case hit too hard and the memories were too strong, too vivid. 

what are the chances of having an unsub drugging his victims with dilaudid only months before the four year anniversary of his own kidnapping? 

they'd caught him, at least. they'd caught him and saved a victim and he should have been happy. he should have jumped for joy or at the bare minimum, mustered a smile believable enough to not leave his friends concerned. but he didn't. he didn't really do much at all to stop their worrying. they shot him glances and asked how he was feeling and he replied in the ways he was expected to but not in the way that was honest. they invited him over and asked if he needed a ride home but all their attempts were futile because he still ended up getting the metro home alone before calling the number he'd deleted from his phone and asking for whatever he could get right then, which turned out to be heroin.

now one month later and here he is, the weight of the needle once again a comfort in his palm. 

it shouldn't have been enough to make him relapse. it was just a case that didn't even end badly. sure, the cravings were expected but he's held out against them before. he knows what to do when he's craving - he should go out with a friend, maybe do some paperwork or watch a movie to take his mind off of it. one time he locked himself in his closet and ended up falling asleep there overnight just so that he wouldn't go out and buy. this time he didn't even consider doing any of that. it was as if he was on autopilot. before he even realised what he was doing, he was handing a shady guy some money and being handed a small bag. he likes to think that he didn't leave the jet with the intention of buying, but deep down he knows that this was the plan the second they discovered the unsub's drug of choice.

he's sure his friends know by now. he's been using for a month and he hasn't really made much of an effort to hide it. he sees hotch's disapproving frown and the sadness in morgan's eyes when he looks at him and the way jj won't make eye contact with him. he sees it all, but if they won't acknowledge it then neither would he. 

he had expected this, he really did. he knew from the start that it would just be a repeat of the first time this happened. for a team of people trained to notice behaviour, they sure do have a habit of acting like they don't see what's happening. it happened with gideon, it happened with elle, it happened with him. they were all clearly suffering but nothing was done and it's happened so many times that he should be used to it by now but he's not. he wants them to talk to him about it. he wants hotch to sit him down and give him the ultimatum of his job or his addiction just to prove that he does actually care. he wants morgan to come over and search his apartment and then not leave until the detox is over and then routinely check in on him. if it comes to it he'd gladly accept garcia hacking his phone records to see if he's called any dealers. 

but they haven't, and they won't.

he tries to understand. he tries to see it from their perspective but he just can't. maybe it's just ingrained in him to do everything he can to care for those around him even if it inconveniences him. he's done it for his mother since he was a child and he's done it for everybody since. 

he knew gideon was struggling after boston and he tried to be there for him. there wasn't much he could do but he visited the man often and played chess with him and learned about birds so that he could talk to him about things he'd actually enjoy but in the end, it wasn't enough. gideon still left. 

he tried to talk to elle. admittedly, he didn't really understand what she was going through and didn't say what he should have. if he knew then what he does now, he's not sure how the conversation would've gone. maybe he would've said something that made her get help. maybe she would still be on the team. or maybe things would've played out exactly the same way. there's no way for him to know, but that doesn't stop the conversation from playing on repeat in his head. 

_"elle, he's dead. you're- you're right here. you won."_

_"then here's to winning."_

a bitter laugh escapes his throat as he tightens the belt on his arm and he has to swallow down the wave of emotions that threaten to drown him as he positions the needle. he didn't understand then, but he understands now. 

"yeah," he whispers, "here's to winning."

he pushes the needle in.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't even remember what to put in the end notes, it's been that long. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed:)


End file.
